afterthelonely:

ON COMPULSORY HETEROSEXUALITY AND HOW IT MAKES MY INSIDES BLEED // Darshana Suresh

grandmother said that one day i would grow up
and marry a nice boy, and i said okay.
i used to daydream about this nice boy,
about a nice family, about nice kids 
and a nice house. i never asked myself
whether that was what i wanted, because
that never mattered. it was what i should want.

the first time i noticed a girl, i sat down
and questioned it for years. i thought
‘this can’t be right,’ i thought ‘this is
not what i should be,’ i thought
‘this is not possible.’

i thought of boys touching me and i
felt sick. grandmother said that one day
she would find me a nice boy to marry
and i smiled and then went and threw
up in the bathroom when no one was looking.

i thought ‘maybe this will go away,’
and when it didn’t i thought ‘maybe everyone
feels this way at first.’ 

this is the story of how i put my love for
girls under the microscope. did everything
i could to convince myself it wasn’t real.
this is the story of how i swallowed my
lack of love for boys like a pill,
as though if i never questioned it i could
will it to become a reality.

years later and again, grandmother
says she’ll find me a nice boy. i can’t
say anything to her face but in my mind
i amend the sentence. think ‘one day
there’ll be a girl, and one day, i’ll find
her myself.’ think ‘there is a freedom
in knowing i do not have to love boys,
and i have found it at last.’

i think ‘this is enough,’ and then, at last,
‘i am enough.’